Rarely is a parent who has never lost sight of and screamed at his child. Also rare: a parent who didn’t feel bad about yelling at their child after doing so.
“All parents know that yelling is not the best way to do things.” Laura Markham“, says a clinical psychologist, parenting coach and mother of two luck. “Parents usually feel remorse after screaming.”
She says this is normal, but it’s not worth repeating, because it won’t help the situation to beat yourself up about it.
“It helps to just have compassion for yourself, because when you blame yourself, you are I cannot Actually better. “It makes you feel worse about yourself and more likely to scream,” she says. “Every parent is going to lose it at some point and yell at their kids. It’s not the end of the world. This only applies to the area of being human.”
It’s only when you continue to use shouting, despite it being ineffective and potentially harmful, that problems can arise, she says.
Here, experts talk about the three pillars of parenting without raising your voice.
Understand that screaming can cause long-term damage
“There is some research that suggests the effects of yelling can be worse than hitting children,” says the teen psychologist. Barbara Greenbergreferring to One study of middle school children from the University of Pittsburgh who also found that maternal verbal aggression is linked to social problems and negative self-perception. “It really amounts to emotional abuse.”
last He studies found that for teens who experienced harsh verbal discipline from a parent — including yelling, screaming, and verbal humiliation — it was associated with behavioral problems and depressive symptoms.
“Children form internal scripts that run through their minds over and over again throughout their lives,” Greenberg says, emphasizing how negatively impacting yelling at them can have. “I don’t think parents always realize the importance of their words.”
Moreover, says Markham, author of Peaceful father, happy children, Yelling is not effective long-term parenting. “We know that yelling at kids in that moment is quite effective, so yes, we’ll give parents that,” she says. “But he works through fear.” Although this may get children out of the house on time, it does not help them develop their mental abilities Prefrontal cortex– The part of the brain responsible for attention, inhibition, complex learning and emotion – so they can learn how to manage things on their own.
“The moment we raise our voice and shout at our children, sure they may comply, but it has all these unwanted side effects,” she says. The first is that it makes you, the parent, an “insecure person.” Your child “doesn’t forget it,” she says, whether he wants to come to you in the middle of the night after a bad dream or tell you about the bully at school.
Markham says that children whose parents don’t yell do better at everything, according to research: They feel closer to their parents, are more willing to open up to them, and behave better. Meanwhile, she adds, “Children whose parents yell are more likely to develop anxiety or depression when they reach their teenage years.” “So this is just an incentive to help parents who are struggling with this, because it is a very difficult thing to deal with.”
Take parental time out
“It’s up to parents to pause and think about what’s going on, even if you have to leave the room to regroup,” Greenberg says. Taking this break — think of it as a break for parents — is good for you and your baby, she says, because “you’ll be less active and less agitated,” while it gives your baby a minute to calm down. , also.
But what if, like many of the parents Markham works with, you don’t even notice that you’re screaming?
“You will notice, at some point, that you are screaming,” she promises. “You’ll see your kids looking at you with an anguished expression…and you’ll realize, ‘Oh my God, I’m scaring them.’ Most parents will feel embarrassed at that point. Then they’ll repeat, ‘Well, they weren’t listening,’ and then scream some more.”
But instead, it’s important to pause in that moment, even if you’re afraid you’ll “lose face,” she says, explaining that what you’ll actually be doing is “modeling self-regulation,” which is an excellent skill. To pass it on to your child.
“The moment you notice yourself screaming, you take a deep breath. You can’t apologize at this point…but you can close your mouth and walk away. Take a breath. Shake your hands, and splash some water on your face,” she says, explaining that by changing your response By doing these things, you will give your body a signal that it does not need to remain in fight or flight mode.
“You breathe in and notice what you’re feeling. “What you’re feeling is anger in that moment, but underneath the anger is always the same threat,” of failure as a parent — whether it’s because you can’t get your child out the door on time or because you’ve allowed them to stay attached. Internet too.
“And once you allow yourself to feel those feelings, you don’t need anger as a defense against them,” she says, emphasizing that it’s all about choosing to make the energy shift right in that moment. “Imagine the calmer, wiser parent inside you. Some parents say, ‘I choose love over fear’… Or you can imagine that there is an angel on your shoulder who is the wisest person you have, and they want the best for everyone in the situation. This parent reminds you that your child is just… Baby, they’re not trying to make your life more difficult.
Connect and forward
After calming your nervous system, Markham says, it’s time to connect with your child — by apologizing for raising your voice. “Just come in and fix it,” she says, adding quietly: “But I’m serious, we have to go now“.”
If you’re worried your child won’t learn a lesson, she says, “When your kids have a nervous system, they don’t learn well… so you have to get back to being safe and connected before you can teach them.” Anything.” In fact, the Harvard University Center for Child Development, Found Exposure to conditions that elicit persistent fear and anxiety (like screaming, for example), can interfere with how children learn and develop in the long term.
So, once you’re calmer, maybe after that dentist appointment you were afraid to miss, you say, “Wow, that wasn’t a good idea to be 10 minutes late.” “They were very angry with us, because it ruins everything at the dentist’s office… I was embarrassed to be 10 minutes late. I wonder what we can do next time so that doesn’t happen?” suggests Markham. “They’ll have ideas. And then you teach, because you’re in a good place with them.
More on parenting:
Comments are closed, but trackbacks and pingbacks are open.