Do you spend more time in bed with your laptop, answering Slack messages, than you do with your partner? Then it might be time for a reality check.
When our romantic relationships carry too much of the burden of our professional lives, it can lead to resentment, jealousy, and, ultimately, breakup — especially when we expect our partners to bear an unfair share of work stress.
“We provide a set of expectations that our close partners are a source of emotional support, and that we can be the most authentic version of ourselves,” Alexandra Suleimana Chicago-based psychologist and podcast host Reimagine loveTells luckWhile finding that is a “blessing,” she adds, “it does us a disservice when we don’t pay attention to the impact our burnout is having on how we treat others.”
It is a widespread problem: in Deloitte Workplace Burnout SurveyFor example, 83% of respondents said that work-related burnout can negatively impact their personal relationships. Similarly, in Headspace’s 2024 State of Mind Workforce Report71% of employees said that work stress caused the end of a personal relationship.
A big part of the problem, Solomon says, is that it’s hard to draw the line between work and home life, especially with remote and hybrid work structures. That’s why it’s important to make time and energy for every aspect of our lives, including time to connect with our partners—outside of discussing work projects.
Here are five tips to make sure work stress doesn’t crush the romance in your life.
1. Resist the urge to compare.
Often, when both partners are having a tough time at work, there’s a tendency to compete — a work stress Olympics, if you will, says Suleiman.
“A conversation can start by saying, ‘I want to share my day with you because you’re a really important resource and a safe place,'” she says. “But the conversation can have a tricky way of turning into a comparison of who’s worse off.”
Solomon suggests resisting the urge to compare your experience to your partner’s, and remembering that all pressure — including the kind that comes with this type of competition — is unwanted and can have a negative impact on your relationship. Negative impact on our health.
2. Set a “mini ritual”‘
Creating ways to symbolize the transition from work time to home time—even if it’s not particularly so if you work from home—can be pivotal to the strength of your relationship.
“For some people, it’s like a commute home, or when you change from your workday, almost a ritual of, ‘I took the day off, I did my work, I showed up, I did what I was supposed to do.’ It does. ‘It’s going to be waiting for me tomorrow,’” she says. “Whatever ways you can set up little rituals to transition from your workday to time with your partner, it’s going to be worth it,” she says.
3. Performance reviews aren’t just for the office.
Performance metrics, desirable pay raises, and the basic need to stay on the job are all reliable motivators when it comes to doing a great job at work. But what about staying motivated at home?
“We don’t think, ‘A year from now I want to feel more connected to my partner,’ ‘I want us to achieve this goal in our lives,’” says Gina Glover, a licensed psychologist and clinical director at Head spaceTells luck. But she stresses that maybe we should.
“Part of that is being intentional and really bringing it into that (home) space,” Glover explains. “And when people do this, they are able to achieve success in work and relationships.”
Glover suggests reviewing relationship performance as one way to make sure we’re not wasting ourselves at work or missing out on important time with our partner.
“Take the time to say, ‘There’s no model designed for what success in my relationship means like a work performance evaluation, but I’m going to take the time to define what that actually looks like,’” she suggests.
And don’t worry about it being too formal. Instead, Glover says the goal is to focus while sitting down with your partner and sharing goals and expectations regarding your family, career, and one-on-one communications.
4. Saving “romanticism” by defining it expansively
This is correct Stress affects sexual desire. According to the Cleveland Clinic, stress can reduce your sex drive by taking your mind off sexual desire, and chronic stress can interfere with hormone levels, also leading to decreased libido.
“No one’s desire increases because of pressure,” Solomon says.
She says that romance and connection with your partner doesn’t have to start and end with sex.
“The definition of ‘romance’ is the things we do that help us feel connected,” she says. “And there are lots of ways to feel connected besides sex.”
She suggests making small but meaningful gestures toward intimacy and toward countering work burnout—playing a game with your partner, dancing in the kitchen together, or lighting candles during dinner, for example.
“Part of it is stepping back and saying, ‘No, my job doesn’t take up my time together,’” Solomon says. And “My sexual energy.”
5. Try to avoid putting your partner on the defensive.
If you feel like you’re losing time with your partner because of one (or both) of your jobs, a gentle way to start trying to counteract that is to have a conversation about it: How about a screen-free evening? How about scheduling a fun outing? Your partner can’t always read your mind or body language for clues about what you want, Solomon says.
Pointing fingers and placing blame can make them feel attacked and guilty, putting them on the defensive, she adds. Instead, try calmly telling your partner that you miss their undivided attention.
She also stresses that work-related burnout is often linked to the company culture rather than the employee. So while it’s easy to blame your partner for responding to work-related messages after hours, it’s also up to the employer to adhere to boundaries outside of work hours.
“You say that[your partner]hasn’t created a company culture that demands that people be available at all times, or refuses to hire the right number of people to do the work, or whatever the dynamics are in the organization. So I think part of it also comes down to making sure that accountability is put where accountability goes.”
In fact, almost 70% of professionalsAccording to Deloitte, employees feel that their employers are not doing enough to prevent or mitigate burnout within their organizations, and 21% say their company does not offer any programs or initiatives to prevent or mitigate burnout within their organizations.
“People need to work. So it’s really important for employees to think, ‘What is my work experience like?’ And hopefully work is there to support your quality of life, not degrade it,” Glover says.
She adds that we all have limited resources – limited time, limited energy – and that devoting “too much” to a job will ensure that we don’t achieve a good work-life balance.
This becomes more difficult to analyze, says Suleiman, because the term “work-life balance” itself can be misleading.
“In our minds, we have this belief that these are two separate fields,” she says. “But the boundaries between home and work are actually quite permeable.”
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