There is no such thing as perfect parenting. That’s a comforting view for Becky Kennedy, also known as Dr. Becky, who considers herself a “clinical psychologist turned parenting support disruptor,” she says. luck. there effective But parenting. “The key to effective parenting…is what I call strong leadership,” she says.
Her model of strong leadership, as taught through her coaching company Good insideis about helping parents understand their role and the role of their children, and how to help their children build the skills they need in life. “Not just to improve behaviour, but to be successful, fully-functioning adults,” the mother tells the children, aged 7, 10 and 13.
Kennedy emphasizes that a big component of this type of parenting is preparing your child for a resilient, confident, and successful future. You do this by “improving your child’s long-term resilience,” she says.
Here, Kennedy explains how to maintain that approach on Parenting Day.
Choose your battles wisely
“There are moments when I improve my children’s happiness in the short term,” Kennedy admits. “I’m a human being and sometimes I say, ‘You know what? “Okay, have ice cream for breakfast.”
But she stresses that a certain percentage of the time, parents have to be “greedy for the long term,” which means it’s important to keep your children’s future in mind — and that they will likely live away from you for years longer than they do. I will be with you.
“I think the risks are increasing,” she says. “I also believe that the best gift I can ever give my child is the ability to deal with difficult things, to have coping skills for what life throws your way, and to know that you can overcome difficult situations.”
This is what Kennedy believes gives children a “higher standing in life” than anything else. “Life is hard…and our children don’t get the skills to handle difficult things as a birthday present. They don’t get them from reading a book. You get them from practicing those skills over and over again.”
Refrain from fixing everything for your kids all the time
Finding difficult situations that can teach your children resilience isn’t the hard part. “You don’t have to include difficult moments – they can’t do the puzzles, they’re struggling with their math homework, they’re not invited to the party,” Kennedy says, explaining how they appear in a regular clip, all the time.
But what is difficult is not intervening to fix difficult moments for your children, whom you hate to see suffer or feel upset.
“If I improve comfort in the short term, I will fix the situation,” Kennedy says. And by doing this with your child, she says, “they begin to associate their struggle with the immediate solution.” In other words, “their bodies are saying: ‘I’ve been left out of the party; My mom threw me a party bigger than that kid’s birthday. “I can’t solve the puzzle; “My father finished it for me.” She explains that intervening in this way builds a set of expectations for your child in the world.
“Fast forward many years, and if this was the pattern, when my child was late for a flight, my 25-year-old would call me in a tantrum and expect me to personally rebook him on a different flight and pay for it. Do it.” Because their bodies say: “I’m suffering, and my parents are offering me an immediate solution.”
Instead, consider allowing your child the opportunity to get through the hard part and find their own solution. “Learning how to struggle is very important. That’s how you find success,” Kennedy says. “The better you are at struggling — not in a toxic way, but the better you are at staying in the moment of struggle — the more resilient you are. So I think of that as a guideline.”
Here’s how to connect the wires for flexibility
“I hate things that aren’t doable,” Kennedy says. So she offers two elements that can help parents connect their children to resilience every time they encounter difficulties: validation and empowerment.
By validating, you first verify that your child is upset. And you can do that by just saying, “Oh, that stinks.”
“‘Oh, that stinks’ is the most underused parenting phrase,” she says. “Parents always expect me to say something too complicated. ‘Oh, that stinks.’ ‘Oh that’s the worst,'” even though it gets the job done.
Next should be the “Reflective Power Part”. That’s when you say something like: “I know we can get through this.” My child can’t solve the puzzle. Oh, you’re right. This puzzle is really difficult. I just know that if you take a deep breath, you can keep at it. “This is what makes a child resilient in the long term, rather than short-term immediate gratification,” she says.
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