When you envision your children as successful adults, what do you see? according to Pew Research StudyMost parents hope their children will grow up to be financially independent and satisfied with their career. These are solid goals, but they are just a small part of what it means to be successful.
In fact, the universal measure of success is not realistic in a population of individuals with varying strengths and weaknesses, says Lindsey Geller, clinical psychologist at Child Mind Institute. Especially if that metric includes a personal value, the number of followers or friends, or the kinds of scores you hold.
When I think of the term success For my young children, I think about their desire to be well-adjusted — people who can handle the challenges and ups and downs of life,” says Geller. “I want them to be people who can ask for help when they need it, stand up for themselves when appropriate and when needed, and be comfortable with themselves.” To push themselves out of their comfort zone and have the confidence to apply it all to learning, innovation and growth.”
Aja Chavez, therapist and executive director of Teen Services at The Mission prepInc., a California-based adolescent mental health treatment program, agrees that success is not a measure of external production or achievement, but rather an (much more difficult to quantify) internal measure of strength. To foster this kind of success, she says, parents must help build a strong sense of self.
“You’re guiding someone to a place where they’re able to fully experience what’s called agency, the ability to make wise choices in their world,” says Chavez. “The success of teens is their ability to really start to differentiate and separate a little bit from the family system so that they can identify with who they are as an individual.”
Here are five ways to help them do this:
1. Praise acts, not personality
When your kids do something well, it’s natural to give good feedback, but keep it tangible, Chavez says. Instead of using praise that reflects who they are as a person and their identity (“You’re such a good kid!”), use praise that names the behavior you noticed and how it affected you.
“Say something like, ‘You should be so proud of yourself!'” Instead of saying, I’m so proud of you! “Because you don’t want them to always seek an external stimulus, you want them to do things because it feels good to do so.”
2. Help hone their instincts
When your child brings you a problem — an argument with a friend, for example — stop and give him a chance to use his own intuition rather than coming up with solutions. By turning their senses to their inner voice, you help them exercise their dependence on what their bodies and minds are telling them to do.
You can use question prompts like: How can I be helpful in this situation? Do you just want to listen or do you want my advice? What action might help? Do you want me to do the work, or do you want to try working through it on your own?
“I would encourage parents to explore what they think their role is in their teen’s world,” says Chavez. “Do you see it as a problem solver and fixer? Or is it really your role to help them learn to identify what is happening in their world and to give them the verbosity and the skills and resources to go out and navigate it on their own?”
3. Ask them to participate
Dedicating household chores to your children is not only good for you, it is also good for the well-being of your children. Indeed, A.J 75 years longitudinal study at Harvard University It has been found that children who do housework are more successful as adults. This measure of success included high scores on self-efficacy, prosocial behavior, and self-efficacy.
“The way we build self-esteem is by doing respectful actions,” says Chavez. “Home chores create a sense of community and connection and begin to build personal responsibility.”
Show them how to do a task, practice it together, and then set a realistic schedule for when they will do it on their own. As children get older, this can extend to responsibilities like scheduling hair cuts.
“It’s a calibration process,” Chavez says. “If we suddenly declare themselves responsible for something they didn’t do before they avoid it entirely because they don’t have the resources, skills or knowledge that they need.”
4. measure them against themselves
It’s normal to evaluate other children’s milestones and achievements when evaluating your own children’s progress. No two children will have the same measure of success, however, so the more you focus on your child’s unique starting points, the better.
“For a child with anxiety, simply standing in front of the class to give a presentation can be a moment of success,” says Geller. “So at home, parents can develop language while focusing on where their child is and treating the rest of the language as white noise.”
5. Work on your success
This is a difficult task, but an important one: to raise children well, parents also need to work on adjusting themselves. You are the best example for your child of the behavior you want, and that means working on your emotional regulation.
When you’re in a situation filled with big emotions, identify what you feel in your body, and what you’re going to do about it, Chavez says. Many teens are still learning how to pause and assess how they feel rather than just responding immediately to stimuli, so modeling helps.
For example, if you get a text from a friend canceling plans, and your kids notice your reaction, you can say, ‘I’m really disappointed right now. I feel kind of sad. “I was really excited to be spending time with this person and I’m really upset that I won’t,” Chavez says.