Before my daughter was born in late 2019, I was filled with excitement and anticipation. I knew there would be stress – waking up in the middle of the night, early in the morning – but balanced with joy and discovery.
What I wasn't prepared for was the listless mental fog that enveloped me. When I returned to the office, it was almost impossible to concentrate. At home in the evening, all I wanted was to play video games and be left alone. When the pandemic hit a few months later, I sank into a pit of emptiness and self-loathing like I'd never experienced before, even after struggling with depression my whole life.
Don't get me wrong. I adore my children (we have two now) and cherish the time I spend with them. But first-time parenthood has left me unable to feel anything but exhausted and helpless. Although I was able to get high-quality psychiatric care and never had any serious problems at work, it was years before I felt normal.
Maybe to state the obvious, I'm not a woman. I didn't have to carry a load or take another person out of my body. I never had to breastfeed, pump, or carry the expectation of being a perfect mom. I'm ashamed to say it, but the psychological trauma I experienced came even though my wife was doing most of the parenting.
However, the pain she felt was profound, and more common among men than you might think. While postpartum depression in women is known and affects 13% to 19% For mothers, its incidence in men is much less understood but is also very common, affecting… 8% to 10% From parents.
As many new parents will tell you, the impact on your mental health isn't just sleep deprivation. For many years, studies have shown that women's brains Temporarily shrinks During pregnancy and after birth, especially in areas associated with social perception. The effects of first-time motherhood on the brain are so profound that algorithms can easily distinguish between maternal and non-maternal brain scans. The famous (although misunderstood) The “mommy brain” phenomenon, where new mothers report memory loss and problems concentrating, may be linked to these changes.
Peter Saalfeld
More recently, similar findings were identified in the brains of parents for the first time. In 2022, A.J International study First-time parents have noticed a significant decrease in the size of the cerebral cortex, the outer layer of the brain that controls higher-level functions such as thinking, problem solving, and memory.
Although these changes have been associated with improved ability to care for and protect the newborn in both female and male parents, they are not without risks.
The author of the 2022 study, Darby Saxby of the University of Southern California, recently published an article Follow-up sheet It turns out that parents whose brains lost more gray matter after their children were born generally reported greater feelings of attachment and attachment to the child, but also had higher levels of anxiety and depression. (Postpartum depression is more common in men Is characterized by Through irritation, anger, hesitation, and withdrawal from relationships, work, and family.)
These findings suggest that there may be a “cost of caregiving,” Saxby says luck. “The same brain adaptations that appear to support becoming a parent are actually also associated with psychological risks.”
In fact, as men expanded their role as caregivers, they may have increased their risk of depression. In 1965, according to the Pew Research Center, parents generally spent only about 2.5 hours a week with their children. That number has tripled overall and quadrupled among college-educated parents, according to recent studies.
“Being a parent has always been kind of psychologically taxing for women,” Saxby says. It is possible that as fathers take on an increased role in raising children, the brain changes reflected in parenting “also affect their mental health.”
Being a first-time parent nearly doubles the risk of depression, says James Rilling, an Emory University psychologist who studies fatherhood issues. luck. Parents who are involved with their children Usually experience A decrease in testosterone, which also increases a person's predisposition to depression. He says work-family conflict is a common source of stress for parents that increases over time. Having previously suffered from depression, as I did, is a major risk factor.
This traces the life experiences of many parents, including my own. In 2019 internationally reconnaissance It was found that 70% of new parents experience an increase in stress in the 12 months following the birth of their first child, and 56% develop at least one “negative health behaviour”, such as exercising less, or drinking more. From alcohol, or gaining excess weight. Over the course of six weeks six months after my daughter was born, I gained nearly forty pounds.
Another 23% reported feeling “very isolated” and 20% said they had lost “a number of close friends”. While women may have social structures in place to transition into parenthood—think “mommy and me” yoga—men typically do not. I feel comfortable talking to my friends about mental health, but parenting issues are not a frequent topic of conversation. (I hesitate to admit it, but almost none of us read any parenting books, much to our wives' consternation.)
Of course, the experience of parenthood is a very individual experience. Before our second child was born last year, I prepared for another traumatic experience. He never came. Although my friends warned me that a second child makes parenting significantly more stressful, I barely noticed the effect.
Saxby says the stress levels associated with first-time parenting and second-time parenting may depend on which aspect of the experience one finds most challenging. If the biggest obstacles for you are logistics and a busy schedule, a second child may be a bigger problem. But if the biggest challenge is changing your identity and social role, then your first child will likely be the hardest.
For men, the shift in identity associated with becoming fathers can be a double-edged sword, she added. While research shows that women take a greater career penalty from parenthood due to stigma against working mothers, there may be a psychological cost for fathers who want to co-parent because they must fight the perception that their value comes from being the breadwinner.
“There's more emphasis on men finding value and identity through work,” says Saxby, which can make it difficult for men to feel like “the time they spend providing care is valuable.”
Understanding my value as a father has been a major part of my recovery. As my confidence as a parent increased, my sense of strength began to return. As my wife and I learned how to navigate our new relationship and find a shared approach to parenting, I found more strength and confidence. For me, learning to embrace my new identity was as crucial to my recovery as therapy and medication. It is also important to remember that an ounce of prevention can be a pound of cure. According to Judy Pawlowski, a neuroscientist who specializes in postpartum mental health, prospective parents need to do a better job of preparing for the logistical and psychological challenges that come with parenthood. It's not enough to just know that your world is going to be rocked. You have to know how.
In other words, maybe I should have been reading parenting books. Or at least a couple.
“Educate yourself,” she says. “Communicate with your partner about what things will look like postpartum. You have a few months in the pregnancy to prepare. Actually learn some things, plan some things, or at least discuss them.”
Although each task doesn't have to be split 50-50, couples need to be proactive in figuring out what works best for them. Planning questionnaires and other resources are available through groups such as International Postpartum Support “They can be useful tools,” Pawlowski says. But nothing beats good old fashioned communication with your partner.
“Get on board, people,” she says. “Just talk about it.”
